Saturday, December 1, 2007

Henh...

In case you were wondering (or in case you even noticed...) I disappeared for a while due to a very hectic week. I've had a shift every day, including night shifts, and my god did it wreck havoc on my life. At least I got the weekend off, which was great.
I've been very down lately and it took me a while to understand why. Sat with myself and thought about it, I realized I had one of the toughest years of my life:

My first year in university was a flop no matter how much I try to cheer myself up thinking it's because of all the math-physics-chemistry I've had this year and how relatively well I did in the more animal-centered courses; I'd believe myself with these cheers if only I didn't know I let myself down in properly sitting my ass to study and cramm properly.

The project, which started on very high and mighty airs, is a flop I hope not a lot of people in my academic year will take any notice of, it's so unprofessional and lame. At least here I don't have anything to blame myself for, but rather the people I'm working with. Still, it's annoying.

My love life's been one crash after another, mostly because of my hubris, one certain condescending asshole and my lack of skills in anything that has to do with flirting, managing myself around sane normal males or choosing sane normal males as mates.

I finished my three-year-written fic and am now fumbling with editing it at a rather disappointing rate and if I knew my beta bothered reading this blog I wouldn't say I think our friendship is lacking now that our once mutual fandom is not on my interest list and the burden of how little we have in common is finally taking a toll on how quickly she does me the favor of betaing my fics. It's not that she's a bad person or that I'm angry with her but I do feel a certain loosening of the delicate voluntary bond between a writer and a beta which we used to have. I don't blame her; I'm not paying her and she owes me nothing so I feel like the fact that something's creaking in the way we work together must come from me because she's not the kind of person to demand something for a favor she does, she's great like that.

I'm 24 and I'm still living with the parents. This is going to change, now that I have a seriously profiting job and I will be seriously looking for a place to move to as soon as I have a safe layer of financial fat in my bank account (which I assume will be in a couple of months or so), but it doesn't change the strain it put on me so far or the stupidity of my behavior which lead to this situation after three years of having jobs between my army service's end and the start of my university studies.

I guess the only thing I did manage to do properly this year was to quit smoking. Way to go, me.

Then there's Clio's death. I knew Clio since she came out of her mother's belly; I raised her, I loved her, I grew to know her as she is alone with her mother and Speedy both went their own ways. Losing Clio was far more than I allowed myself or others know, for a long time. Sure, Scarlett and Sam are wonderful, adorable little treasures, but Clio has a special place in my heart.

I'm not the type to despair and I never let a problem bother me for too long without thinking up ways of solving it and seeing beyond it. That doesn't mean I can't feel bad about said problem...

I wanted to tell you about the beach cleaning operation I went to this thursday, but I didn't have the right strength for it. Also, I don't have the pictures from it yet, so...

2 comments:

twsakura said...

Hey Mei, I've been having a bad year too, but it's because I'm out of Uni without a goal in life. You might feel bad that you're experiment's not going as well as you wanted, but I'm really impressed you're attempting it anyway. Most people I know don't even work on their own projects until their last year in college. Also, I'm 23 and also still living at home and probably will for the next few years and I don't have a job that pays me well (as you know). I don't even have a love life (still haven't even been kissed). So, whatever happens, know that a lot of people are struggling with things too -- You're not alone. *Hugs*

Cait said...

Hrm, well I do, in fact, read your blog...

It hasn't been an easy year for me, either, I have to admit, and if you want to be upset about my lack of promt beta-ing it is within your right. I really should get to work on it.

I think there is a greater issue with the level and quality of communication between us recently. But I think that's something for us to discuss in private.

I have some thoughts to ponder on and when I get up tomorrow I'll sit down with this again...